Relentless

You eventually fall out of it.

For a lot of people it’s just a getting into and out of. Blockbuster entertainment. You get a ticket, stand in line, look for your seat, sit through the action, get out go home go to sleep wake up go to work… You know the drill.

I, on the other hand, am one of those nerds. Bro, I need to meditate before I go see a movie. I need to resonate with the vibes on the screen, you know? I don’t even get popcorn! Look, I don’t want the sound emanating from my own mouth to put me off, distract me from even one irrelevant line Emma fucking Stone would say to another eternal ga-ga loverboy archetype. It’s a disease: I’m a little too serious. It doesn’t make for good living in these times, bro.

I think you can understand how it’s been the last few months.

When we hit it off I researched her. I had to know everything, about her, about me, about me with her, about us. We became a unit, an army, a nation. Every little thing that threatened to jeopardize our “usness” like fucking five years down the line I’d take care of it now. I adjusted so many of my bullshit for hers. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying she didn’t too, but it’s a stressful process man. And at one point you start being so much of this new you that you start forgetting what you used to be and the minutest of inconveniences makes you beg that same anxious question - was I better off by myself?

But there’s no “I” now, bro. The subject cannot exist in a relationship. I fought through, every month, every week, and then every day. And then when she comes to tell you it’s over, well, you just shatter.

Is this how it ends ?

I went up to her one last time. It’s a blockbuster cliche, you know how it goes. The hero goes up to the heroine, she says no, he says “please”, she says no, yada-yada. I asked her if anything’s still there. Yeah, I know, it sounds desperate, but i really was desperate. Back against the wall.

She was adamant. I respect that. I’ve been trying to get back ever since. To myself, on my feet, how it used to be, you know? It’s hard fucking work, man, but I’m giving it a shot.